dheydon’s posterous

Biker...

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and the Lord spoke to him from above and in a  booming voice said,' Because you have been a good man and TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

 

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can rideover anytime I want'.   
 
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the size of the pylons required to reach to the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take to construct them! Imagine the impact on the environment to undertake such a monumental construction. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'  
 
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men, could understand our wives and girlfriends; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.' 

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

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Most relaxed man in the world...

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Babies know

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"THE BABIES KNOW..."























AND

 

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Rough Mornings

 

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Lucky

 

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Story of two books....

 

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.


   
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One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report
.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :... cost - $29.99



Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... . The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :.... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica..

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton :..... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:...... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing
.

 

 

  

 

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How to have fun in a flood

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I bet you watch this twice.......

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Happy Kid Meal / Lovely Models Now

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SEC: Unclassified - If you drive a vehicle

Read This Slowly (it is based on a true story)

A siren, a flashing light and Jack looked carefully at his speedometer before slowing down: 73kmh in a 60 zone. Fourth time in as many months.

How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 kph, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.

Bob? Bob from the golf club? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own club. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.

Jack jumped out of the car and approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.

"Hi, Bob.. Fancy meeting you like this."

"Hello, Jack." No smile.

"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."

"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good. "I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once."

Jack looked at the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?" "I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time for new tactics.

"What'd you clock me at?"

"Seventy.. Would you sit back in your car please?"

"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you.. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

"Please, Jack, in the car."

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.

Why hadn't he asked for a driver's licence?

Whatever the reason, Jack wouldn't be playing golf with this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the right. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?

Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke? Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

"Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters, all three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again.

A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my son is all I have left."

"Bob" ...... Jack turned around in time to the police car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived.

Life is precious. And despite all of our focus and training in Orica I am staggered when I still see traffic infringement reports of our staff, your staff, breaking the speed limit, often in excess of 15 kilometres. This is an important message; please pass it on to your staff and friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.

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